Attachment theory is about our internal system for relating to others. It goes way back… way back to infancy…
We are born into the world vulnerable. We cannot feed ourselves. We cannot move around from place to place. We cannot speak.
Our only chance for survival is to attach ourselves to someone who will look after us. In these early vulnerable years, we learn how to trust and how to love. We learn how to keep our caregivers close so that our needs can be met.
That is why these early years lay the foundations of trust in others, which set us up for future intimacy in our friendships and romantic relationships.
…but it might not be so easy
Attaching to a caregiver might be fraught. Our caregiver may be stressed or distracted by events they themselves are going through. Or perhaps they tune out when they see us distressed. Maybe they are so worried about doing things right for us that they over-do things so much we get no space to find out for ourselves. There might be inconsistency. Various situations can then be moments of disconnection from the person we rely on for survival. Or in some cases… worse… perhaps harmful behaviours, neglect or abandonment occurs and trust cannot be found.
The body and mind remembers
We may not remember these early experiences in the sense of being able to describe things that happened. But our body remembers. Our minds remember. These early years do shape us and our view of relationships and how we need to be in order to get our needs met.
Learning about your ways of attaching yourself to others is important to mental health and wellbeing. The quality of one’s relationships is a very good indicator of the quality of one’s mental state.
And yet things that happened before we could talk may be impacting our relationships now.
It’s not your fault
Know that it is not your fault. And also know that it is possible to heal from these experiences. Research has shown that it is possible for people to find security in their intimate relationships, even when their early life foundations set them up for insecurity.
You can heal
Therapy is an excellent resource to help people through this process. The relationship with your therapist itself can help you discover your unmet needs, by being open and honest with a non-judgemental person who accepts all of you and accepts your emotions and reactions. The process can help you to build the courage you need to seek a way to have your needs met within the important relationships in your life.
Links:
Introductory video to attachment theory
Treatments I offer: